Never in a million years had I expected to become a single mum. We’d been obsessed with doing ‘the right thing’ as a couple and doing what made us look like the perfect family, but in the end it just didn’t work out like that. It sounds crazy now, to think I was so conservative in my attitude towards becoming a parent.

Reality of Motherhood: The bubble burst immediately at Harry’s birth in a traumatic 18hr labour. Harry was in the wrong position – back to back – and was eventually delivered by emergency C-section. It made me reconsider all of my original expectations of motherhood. After 3 days of trauma and looking after this new little thing, finally coming out of the haze, I fell in love with him. For days I’d felt disconnected because of everything that had happened in the birth. Then finally it was like a little door in my heart opened – I like to call it my ‘John Malkovich door’. As an adult you expect that you’ve experienced every emotion, but you really haven’t until you feel this unconditional love for your child. I imagine people have more children because it’s like a drug addict harking back to their first high. If you could buy that love as a drug, you’d be unbelievably rich.

Motherhood now, as a single mum, has meant a real change in my life, but I have realised that the fairytale can be rewritten and our relationship has developed into something really special.

Taking your child home for the first time: We were kept in hospital for 5 days. By the time we left they had diagnosed Harry with hole in his heart and we were told that eventually he would need an operation. Returning home was tinged with the worry of not knowing exactly what was wrong. We found ourselves dealing with the emotions of being new parents, sharing the same experiences as other new parents, but at the same time being scared stiff because of what was potentially going to happen to our poorly baby. 

Harry had open heart surgery at 5 mths, and it was a totally weird experience. Up till then he’d lived as a relatively normal baby boy. I remember becoming obsessed with breast feeding – I’d originally felt like I didn’t want to be bullied into it, but when it transpired that he was ill I did become a bit evangelical about the whole thing. It was the best medicine he could have and as a fairly helpless parent it was the one thing I could do to help the situation. I knew that the bigger and stronger he could be for his operation, the better.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Nobody tells you that at some point you will really dislike (almost hate) your child. You’ll love them, but you really don’t like them, and that’s ok and normal. Our relationship has changed since I’ve become a single mum because I have to be ‘good cop’ and ‘bad cop’ now. He can go to his dad and experience purely good times, whereas I have to lay down the rules and discipline him. 

We get really hung up on what we should and shouldn’t do, but all that matters is having a happy child. There’s a tendency to buy into what people tell us to do in books, but people have been having babies for 1000s of years without them.